My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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