Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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