also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize