There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
