you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
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I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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