You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I lost the right to judge tonight
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize