is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
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one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
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The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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