I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize