The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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