I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
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We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
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My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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