I'm lost and stupid without you.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
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There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
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I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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