don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
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Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize