broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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