I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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