I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Never joke about your clitoris.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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