At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
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He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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