i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
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I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
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I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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