What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
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You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
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