So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
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I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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