How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
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getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
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I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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