I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
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You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
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EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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