i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
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Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
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he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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