Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize