he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
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just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
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I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
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