i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize