Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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