dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
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he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
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You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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