My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
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New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
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She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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