Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
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He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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