You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
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And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
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I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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