I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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