We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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