So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
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All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
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i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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