Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
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Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
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I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
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