Pants 0. Shit 1.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
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I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
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YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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