I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
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Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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