It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
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Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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