Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
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He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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