I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize