happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
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I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
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He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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