just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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