Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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