Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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