it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
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you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
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Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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