This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize