I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize