i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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