I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
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he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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