Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
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they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
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Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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