were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
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We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
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I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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